Monday, September 28, 2009

I feel...

1. dizzy. I think the pomegranate vodka is going to my head.

2. peeved. I don’t like being ignored, or forgotten. Esp not by people I seek out.

3. like I’m being watched, or like my mother is keeping tabs on me. It’s annoying, esp when I’m trying to be at peace with my unemployment, while it’s unavoidable.

4. a terrible sense of dread, when I consider staying in Modesto to get my MA in psych at Stan State. This sense decreased greatly after playing cards at Joy and Lamar’s. But it increases when I’m “on call” for people, or someone in my family feels the need to “check on” me.

5. doubtful that there’s much of a chance of my moving to Portland. It just isn’t practical, because I have no money and no job and little hope of a job. anywhere. But how desperately I want rain! Life seems less dreadful, more sympathetic, in the rain…

6. like it would be nice to still be a student. I liked being a student. I knew how to be a student. I was good at it. Now all the kids a year younger than me have graduated, and are being poets or whatever. And I’m reading young adult fiction to drown out the dread and uncertainty.

7. tired. I probably should have gone to sleep a while ago. goodnight.

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