In this whacked out dream I had the other night, I was pregnant with triplets. I was pretty pissed off about it, because who wants three babies at once? I was gigantic. Waddling around hating life looking like a complete freak of nature.
In my dream, I went for my weekly checkup at my OBGYN, and I am shown to a back room to wait for the doctor to come in and check me. I’m sitting on the table, naked from the waist down, sheet over my lower half. All of a sudden, Lady Gaga walks in, she didn’t even knock. She walks in wearing her sequined sparkly lobster boots, hair out to Mars, with her whole sequin-lobster-people entourage. I’m lying on the table and I tell her, “Lady Gaga, I don’t think I feel comfortable with you anywhere near my vagina in that get-up.”
She takes off her sunglasses and says, “Of course, I will be right back,” in her ever-elusive Lady Gaga speak, and she leaves followed by her clan of sequin lobster people. She leaves me there on the table, and I’m lying there looking out the window, and I see her and her lobster people getting onto a bus and leaving. I’m really pissed because my ass is cold sitting on this table, so I get up and go out into the hallway to talk to one of the nurses, because god dammit, I want my check up so I can go the fuck home.
“Oh, she will be back after her show tonight.” The nurse says like nothing is wrong with this. Yes the fuck there is A LOT wrong with ALL of this. So I put my clothes back on and I leave that ridiculousness.
I googled my dream interpretation, and supposedly being pregnant in dreams means a transformation is coming, and I am about to give birth to a new me. Perhaps I will be transforming into a lesbian. That explains so much. Gayness. I’m gay. Hmmmmmm… I don’t know. I think I watch too many music videos in the morning and I need a day job.
Speaking of Lady Gaga, this video came on a minute ago by Lady Antebellum. I thought, oh, she must be a friend of Lady Gaga. Because they are both ladies. Duh. Obviously. WRONG. There was not any poisoning people, or dancing in underwear enough for those bastards to be any kind of friends with Lady Gaga.
And what the fuck is an antebellum? I looked it up. Yeah. I went to dictionary.com and educated myself. Antebellum means before or existing before the American civil war. Ohhhhh.. So the Lady Antebellum people are a bunch of redneck lynch-mobbing freaks. I get it. WTF?????????????????? I could think of a million names for a band that would be infinitely better than Lady Antebellum. Well, I know who’s not going to be performing on BET ever. That’s right.
I’m looking for jobs still. I’ve been on Career Builder everyday now since the unemployment people might just this last extension. I applied for everything. I applied for an Executive VP position. That pays $80k per year, and I’m way under-qualified for it. But I applied anyway, just to clog up that person who posted that ad’s box. I might as well make them work a little harder. $80k. Jesus. What do people do with all that money? I suppose I could find something to spend that money on.
So I’ll be sitting here, waiting for somebody, anybody to call me for a job today. I know it won’t be the Executive VP, but shit. I will take anything at this point.
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