Last night I sat on the phone with Dustin and for the first time in 8 months we talked about our marriage. Yes, 8 months. Usually our talks end up with me crying and not getting anything out and he might as well be sitting there with his fingers in his ears singing LAALLALA. So I did what every person should do and I cornered him because this cannot continued to be ignored.
We talked about working it out. WHAT!? Yea, I know. I brought this up because there is about 10% of me that feels the need to make sure I’m walking away having given it my all. It may be delaying the inevitable but I will then never doubt that we made the right decision. I figure the next few months of trying is nothing compared to the next 50 or 60 years of my life. It shouldn’t seem like much to ask of your spouse.
We both agree that we failed at this marriage and that the biggest problem has been communication. I’m pretty sure they teach you that in Marriage 101 but I guess he never got that memo. He admits that he turned away my attempts at communication because, to put it simply, he hates to do it. He hates to talk things out, or feel anything or admit the obvious.
We also talked a lot about the big problem that started everything- his work addiction. I could go on and on about what we talked about. You may ask if you have a specific question but I’m just going to tell you the conclusion. The conclusion of our marriage goes like this. I said I would be wiling to full on try. He says work is more important to him and he doesn’t want to give it up. Not one bit. He says giving work 100% dedication is more important, and has been more important, than our marriage. FAIL. See what drives a person away? Yea, that.
By the end of the night I hung up the phone and felt relief. I tried. I finally got all the words out I needed too. I got him to hear my reasoning and whether or not he takes anything away from that is up to him. I know he hung up the phone rattled. He hates dealing with anything and I made him deal with it, head on. I made him answer my questions and look at it from a different view. Most importantly I hung up and realized I’m finally getting to the point where I forgive myself for what I did. For being the dirty mistress. For hurting my husband and my marriage.
I’m looking at today and forward. I can’t continue to carry around the heavy burden of my marriage on my shoulders especially if he doesn’t see our marriage as anything but a road block to work and a bigger pay check. I fought as far as I can go as a spouse on my own in this. If he isn’t willing to meet me halfway, then that will lay on his shoulders.
Last night, for the first time since Dustin moved out, I didn’t worry about the boogie man or the noises, I didn’t reach for Bill’s hand or see him in my dreams. Instead I slept like a freakin rock.
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