Well I’ll just put it right out there I’m faced with a few charges:
Negligence. Drunk and Disorderly. Stalking.
I’m accused of neglecting this blog. In my defence, I initally had lack of internet, progressing to just a general dark period.
I arrived home Thursday. I got written Friday and Saturday, which is where my second charge arrised. There were appetisers and bottles of wine a piece, unexpected high school teacher reunions, dancing (on stage), tittie bars, the standard kebab trip – there were crazy times. There was an incident however, which caused some concern. On Saturday night, I encountered The Boy in a pub. I looked at him, he looked at me, he looked down, and he walked off. I proceeded to message and call him a lot, getting no/rude responses. I cried all the way home. I guess all that reflection on the Old Times wasn’t as harmless as I thought it was – I remebered him that way. I assumed he had missed me – would be happy to see me. That was pretty foolish (I still partly believe it… or at least I want to). Now I’m feeling a bit heartbroken … how is this happening over again? Quite the terrible ending to an otherwise good weekend. And a horrible start to the week.
When brings us to the third and final charge. I’m accusing myself of stalking – though I guess it depends how you look at it. When myself and The Boy would fight – it was generally accepted that we would call and call and call until the other person agreed to talk. When we broke up – neither of us gave up. When I was seeing someone else – we still called. Now I call. I message. I email. Just casual and catch up. And I get nothing. So I fire up some abuse, spill a bit of my soul out – a few sentences. I go back to casual – silence again. I go all out - ‘ i miss you, i’m hurting’ the whole fucking sop story. Nothing.
And now I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what I’m doing in the first place, chasing this taken and ex Boy.
… I don’t know. I have nothing more poetic or meaningful to add to it. I just don’t know.
What really gets me is I don’t know where I stand … and that is something that I loathe.
I’m operating on the assumption … the possibly very naive and incorrect assumption … that he still has feeling for me, he still wants me. That is why he can’t talk to me and won’t see me – he’s afraid he will miss me, want me. And this is exactly why I NEED to see him, so he can realise this. Or maybe not. Maybe I’m just a crazy obsessed stalker and the feelings are completely one-sided. I really don’t know. I’m just trying to put it on the back burner of my mind.
On a cheery note – one christmas present down! 22 to go!
It is wonderful being home. Catching up with old friends, being at home, being able to relax and eat healthily.
I went to the gym today and God it was a good workout! I’m thinking of becoming a gym junkie. The twice a day plus a run kind. Keep me busy. Should also find a job.. it’s hard when I’m relocating again in a week.
I am craving cuddles and sex and romance and just kisses and nice words from a special someone – anyone. This is dangerous … now is the time to be keeping me guard. I’m still a fucking wreck.
I’ve got a shitload of Borings: sitting around at home, computer games, but Not Borings have been in somewhat short supply: Red Wine is about the only definate.
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